Tag Archives: self-loathing

The Cure for Crippling Self-Loathing

So sometimes your significant other is away for the weekend and you take the opportunity to organize a Ladies Night and you go dancing in too-high heels on the drunk walk home you call your sig. oth. (new slang) and yell at him for not respecting you.  And then you fall asleep in your clothes.  Sometimes this happens.  And then you wake up the next morning and all you want to do is hate yourself for being so annoying and hungover but you can’t.  Why can’t you?  Because you have to volunteer.

Enter the cure for crippling self-loathing: volunteering!  You guys, it’s so great.  It’s obviously great because giving back to the community is one of the pillars of our society – it takes a village to etc.  We all have to help each other because that’s what being a person is about.  We are helpless on our own but together we can do anything!  That part is fairly self-explanatory.  Volunteering is good!  But what can volunteering do for you?  It can make you feel good about yourself.

(Yes, I know, some might argue that you shouldn’t volunteer for selfish reasons.  But this is just to give you that little nudge in case you’re on the fence about it.  Also, the argument can be made that no act is purely selfless.  Anything that results in making somebody else feel good makes you feel good, too.  There was a whole “Friends” episode about it.  We could argue this point all day, but let’s just leave it at this: volunteering is just as helpful no matter what stupid reason you have for doing it.)

Cause of Self-Loathing #1: You Drank Too Much And Now You Feel Like Some Apologies Might Need To Be Made.

Cure:  Big Sisters of America.

Your cute little Latina friend from the inner city doesn’t care if you yelled at your sig. oth. last night.  She only cares that you guys are walking around a park together looking at a pond and picking wildflowers.  Girl doesn’t get out much.  It is so easy to show her amazing things that you take for granted.  And seeing things through her eyes makes them fresh and new and beautiful to you, too.

How to Get Involved:  Go to the Big Brothers Big Sisters website and enter your zip code.  Follow the directions.  It’s a big commitment but it’s super rewarding.

Cause of Self-Loathing #2: You Feel Fat.

Cure:  Enter a Race for Charity.

Nothing gets your mind off your body issues quite like talking to somebody with cancer.  This one is doubly effective in combating self-loathing because it involves both giving back to the community and actually changing the thing that’s making you feel bad.  Also, endorphins.  Also, it’s springtime!  Get out there and walk/jog yourself around.  Jog away from the bad feelings!  And help fight cancer in your own small way.

How to Get Involved:  There are a million of these for any town or city anyone might live in.  Google it.  Then send annoying emails to all your coworkers asking for money.

Cause of Self-Loathing #3:  Your Young Adult Novel Was Rejected By Another Publisher.

Cure:  Tutor Some Kids at Your Local 826 Branch.

This works for pretty much any rejection you might encounter.  Like you didn’t get a job or some dude didn’t call you back.  Fuck ‘em!  Kids need help with their homework.  They don’t care about any of that stuff.  They don’t even have to know.  All they know is that you are incredibly cool for helping them out.  Also they like your outfits.  You have really cute outfits.  826 is a writing and tutoring center for kids with branches in big cities all over the country.

How to Get Involved:  Go to the 826 National website and click Chapters.  It’ll take you to a list of the separate locations.  You sign up for a training session and then you get in there and help some kids with fractions and five-paragraph essays.  Fun!

Cause of Self-Loathing #4:  Your Apartment Is So Gross But You Just. Can’t. Clean It.

Cure:  Mop The Cages At Your Local Animal Shelter.

This seems counter-intuitive but you know how sometimes you won’t do something for yourself but you’ll do it for someone else out of a sense of obligation or just because they’re relying on you and you don’t want them to be mad at you?  This is like that.  These sad little puppies and kitties don’t have homes.  The least you can do is spend a little time helping them not live in their own filth.  They also don’t have thumbs so they can’t mop.  They need you for that.  They need you!  How nice is it to be needed?  So nice.  Also, some animal shelters have jobs for volunteers where they literally like sit and pet a dog for an hour.  Like that’s the volunteer job.  “I volunteer to sit here and pet this adorable puppy.”  Haha.  Yeah I’ll volunteer for that!  But I don’t want to get your hopes up because I think what these places need most of all is people to mop.

How to Get Involved:  Again, google it.  There are lots of different shelters all over the country.  Find the one closest to your disgusting apartment and mop it up!

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A Few Apologies

Every kid does crappy things.  And sometimes kids don’t tell other people all the crappy things they did because they don’t want to get in trouble.  But then adults will tell their friends the crappy things they did because once you’re a grown-up they turn into funny stories to tell at parties.  But then there are some crappy kid things that some of us did that we haven’t really told people about because it’s all too embarrassing.  Eh.  Why even have a blog if you’re worried about embarrassing yourself, I always say.  Without further ado, I’m really sorry for the following transgressions:

1. For my seventh (eighth?) birthday I wanted a new school backpack and I got two.  One from my dad and one from Lorianne Boscarino, who was kind of a brat and I didn’t even really like her because she was so bossy.  And my dad said I should just choose the backpack I liked better and we could return the other one.  So I chose the one Lorianne got me because it was more colorful and it was the 90’s so, obviously.  The one my dad got me was more practical but I’ve never been one for practicality.  So my dad returned the one he got me.  No big deal, right?  Eh.  I’ve carried the guilt of that backpack rejection around with me for… nineteen years.  Healthy!

2. In third grade I had to write an essay about Harriet Tubman.  I went to the school library and borrowed a book about her and then I straight up plagiarized the blurb on the back of the book.  I changed a few words here and there but really, that shit was illegal.  I should have been fined, at the very least!  And my teacher thought my essay was so good that he brought it up at the parent-teacher conference and my mom was really proud of me for being so good at writing essays JESUS I AM CRINGING RIGHT NOW JUST WRITING THIS.  And I told NO ONE!  Until today!  I mean, it’s okay, right?  I was like Tom Sawyer.  Or Bart Simpson.  I was using my ingenuity to avoid doing work.  Really just goes to show how far I am willing to go to avoid unnecessary exertion.  Still true today!  Oof.

3. In fifth grade I ate Julianne Cuminsky’s Ding Dong.  The snack food.  Don’t be gross.  I was joking around with her at our lunch table and I think I asked if I could have a bite of her Ding Dong and she said no and I think I was like “well I can just take it, you know” and then nobody believed that I would do it so then I just ate the whole thing in one bite.  And then I was summarily shunned by the whole table.  All the girls I sat with were like “wow, I really can’t believe you did that.”  Uuuuugh why am I writing this?!  It’s so painful.  Also, it might have been a Twinkie.

4. In seventh grade I tried out for a school play.  My middle school was doing this kids-in-the-Holocaust play called “I Never Saw Another Butterfly”.  I didn’t get cast.  But two Jewish girls I knew did get cast.  So my natural conclusion as to why I was not cast in the play was because I didn’t look Jewish.  Ugh.  So that’s what I told Lauren Feinberg’s mom when she asked me if I’d auditioned for the play.  “Yeah, I auditioned, but I didn’t get a part.  Probably because I don’t look Jewish!”  She laughed politely.

Anyway, sorry everyone!

What do you guys want to apologize for?  Please don’t leave me hanging here.  Put some embarrassing childhood stories in the comments, for the love of god, I need all the help I can get.

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