Category Archives: Drunk Movie Reviews

Instant Gratification: Quills

So as I mentioned in the little guest bloggy thing I wrote earlier, I am really into Doug Wright right now.  I think his plays are fantastic and he’s a great speaker, very inspirational, and he was nice to me when I met him at a hotel bar.  So, naturally, I made Billy watch the movie he wrote (slash adapted from the play he wrote) with me.  It’s on Netflix Instant!  Hooray!

What to say about Quills?  It’s a re-imagining of the last years of the Marquis de Sade so it’s all… periody.  Ew, guys.  I mean it’s like a period piece, not that it’s about periods.  Also it’s really sexual.  Also not about periods.  Ew, come on.  This Instant Gratification is going off the rails early on.  FOCUS UP.

You guys, I’m going to be really honest here.  I liked it but the end was a bit heavy handed and stuff so I would really probably give it like a B.  Which isn’t to say you shouldn’t watch it.  You probably should.  Especially if you have a certain fondness for Doug Wright or the Marquis de Sade (Do you really like the Marquis de Sade?  Yeah?  You’re into that… kind of thing?  Okay.  No judgement.) or whatever.  And the themes it explores are really interesting.  Like about sexual hypocrisy and mental illness and what would one do as an artist if one was not allowed to create art?  That would be terrible!  Not sure I would write plays on the walls of my asylum cell with my own poop, but that’s just me.  See?  It’s kind of a gross movie.  But the acting is great!  Remember Joaquin Phoenix back before he sabotaged his own career and public persona with that STUPID fake documentary he made with Casey Affleck?  Dude was actually a really good actor.  And kind of a babe.  And Geoffrey Rush and Michael Caine were, obviously, amazing.  And Kate Winslet can do no wrong.  So, yeah.  And the writing is full of these profound truths, which, incidentally, is just exactly how Doug Wright talks, like out loud even.  He’s full of truth!

So yeah.  Put it in your queue and watch it some night while you drink red wine and let it make you feel better about your own sexual perversions.

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Instant Gratification: Precious

You all have this movie in your instant queue and you are just trying to find a time when you feel emotionally prepared to watch it.  I know.  I’m inside your brain.

Billy and I decided the time had come to watch Precious last Saturday afternoon.  We opened a bottle of wine and sat down in our comfy clothes and got ready to have some feelings.  I feel like I have an advantage in this respect.  Not to toot my own horn but I did go to theatre school and I am very good at having feelings.  They come, they go.  Billy, on the other hand, is new to feelings.  Precious… well, Precious broke him.  In his own words, “It killed part of my happiness.  I can’t get back to my pre-Precious life.”

Sidenote: Lenny Kravitz was in this?!  I had no idea.  They really uglied everybody up.  Oh wait, he was the hot nurses’s aide.  That’s right.  I remember.  It’s hard to ugly up Lenny Kravitz.  Dude looked good.  Everybody else did not look so good.

Back to the point, though.  I feel like I have a lot of disclaimers to make about this movie, like don’t watch it if you’re already depressed or if you’re alone or if it’s nighttime.  Those are all recommendations you should take to heart, but, honestly, the bottom line is this: this was truly an excellent movie.  It was moving in a way that didn’t feel forced (contrary to what you may expect).  It’s the story of a girl with a shitty life who imagines something better for herself and in her own small way finds a path to self-improvement.  As much as it is about abuse and neglect, it is also about independence and the power of the human spirit (ugh I’m throwing up as I write this but IT’S REALLY TRUE!).

Things that might happen as a result of watching Precious:

1. You might need a palate cleanser afterward.  Ours was How To Train Your Dragon.

2. You might get angry about the welfare system in this country.  You might get very confused about your liberal political beliefs.  You might think that having a baby should not be considered a meal ticket.  This might throw your whole belief system out of whack.

3. You might cry a little bit in bed at night.

4. You might not enjoy your palate cleanser as much after watching Precious as you might have before.  In my case, I could see nothing but triviality in How To Train Your Dragon.  Any other day I would probably have found it charming, but on Saturday I just found it… kind of idiotic.  I could tell exactly how the plot would unfold from the first scene.  Boring.  Unimaginative.  Come on, movie execs.  Get creative.  Precious did it!

In conclusion: A++.  Watch this movie with someone you love so that you can hold each other as you cry and cry.  In a good way.

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Instant Gratification: White Men Can’t Jump

This is another one that I thought was just for jokes.  “White Men Can’t Jump in here, am I right?!”

I watched this movie with Billy and my friend Jessica a few weeks ago but I haven’t written about it yet because I guess I was a little disappointed?  It wasn’t good enough or bad enough to make me want to write about it right away.  So I don’t even know if I can recommend that you put it in your Netflix queue even for ironic purposes.  Isn’t that crazy?  I mean.  This movie is weird as shit, that’s one thing that’s for sure.  So if you love watching movies just so you can be like “what is up with that shirt anyway?” then maybe you’ll love it.  So let’s talk about it.

1. Wesley Snipes’ shirts.  What the hell is up with that?  I guess they’re meant to highlight the pecs and that they do, but really?  Why are they so loose?  I feel like that would be a hindrance to street basketball playing as other players could so easily grab the extra material, intentionally or even unintentionally.

2. Rosie Perez spends the movie studying to be on Jeopardy.  And then, spoiler alert, she gets on Jeopardy and they of course ask her tons of questions that she specifically studied for and it’s great.  a.) unrealistic (I kind of hate myself for writing this right now – who cares about White Men Can’t Jump being realistic or unrealistic in 2011, seriously Emily.  But nonetheless it is distractingly unrealistic!), b.) WHY DOES NOBODY IN THIS MOVIE HAVE A REGULAR JOB?!?!  Which brings me to…

3. EVERYBODY IN THIS MOVIE NEEDS TO SHUT UP ABOUT THE BASKETBALL AND GET A FUCKING JOB.  I swear I’m not a Republican.  Wash dishes in a restaurant even!  So what you’re good at basketball.  Nobody cares.  It’s not a job.  Get a real job, Woody.  Wesley has one!  And also, everybody also needs to stop screwing each other over.

Ugh, this movie.  Don’t Netflix it.  C-.  Or do Netflix it if you’re like so hungover that you’re not even watching it at all, you’re just sleeping.  That’s fine then.  Carry on.

 

Also, this conversation happened this morning:

My brother Will: You should use your blog to promote your playwriting!  Like put excerpts from plays up there!  I’d read plays if you posted them!
Me: Okay.  But first I have to write a movie review of White Men Can’t Jump because topical.

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Instant Gratification: The League Season 1

YOU GUYS.  Remember when Party Down was on Netflix Instant and everyone was like “omg this show is so good, how is it on Netflix Instant and it like updates every episode as soon as it airs on Starz or whatever, this is the best deal ever and my life is so great!” and then they took it down?  And now Party Down is no longer on Netflix Instant and nobody even knows how to watch it anymore and also it was canceled?  Well, it seems like this is a similar situation and nobody seems to know that this AMAZING SHOW called The League is really super amazing and available on Netflix Instant.  So make sure you go home and watch the entire first season of The League before the television bigwigs/fat cats in Washington realize that they let this awesome show slip through the cracks and onto Netflix Instant.

Also, the weather is shitty today (if you live in the northeast) and your haircut is growing out and starting to look a lot like a mom haircut and your boss isn’t even here yet so I suggest you send him an email telling him you’re getting a migraine and then go home and watch six hours of The League.  You’ll thank me.  This show is hilarious.  It’s about a group of friends who play fantasy football together and I did not at all expect to like it but in fact I like it very, very much.

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Instant Gratification: Grumpy Old Men

Netflix Instant has a lot to offer.  The obvious, titular example being that it provides instant gratification.  But also, it allows us all to be reintroduced to movies from bygone eras.  Like the 90’s.  And the early 2000’s.  And some movies from now, like Precious: Based On The Novel Push By Sapphire which is in my queue but I haven’t watched yet.  Someday soon, definitely.  Probably next week.  Or the week after.  Definitely before I’m dead, I’ll have watched Precious.  Probably.  Anyway, the point of these movie reviews is to help you all wade through the murky waters of the Netflix Instant offerings.  I’ll watch them for you and then tell you if they’re worth adding to the queue.  It’s a humanitarian effort, really.

I was pretty sure I’d seen Grumpy Old Men as a child but I either totally didn’t or I didn’t retain any of it.  Because before watching it this week I pretty much just thought of it as a joke.  Like when somebody is super lame and you’re like “What is it, Grumpy Old Men in here?”

Hilarious.

But it turns out that Grumpy Old Men is super adorable and funny and heartwarming!  And like oddly filthy and inappropriate for children.  Definitely gets my seal of approval.  Put it on your Netflix Instant queue and watch it on a rainy day.  Or if your girlfriend breaks up with you.  Or if your cat dies.  It’ll make you happy!  I promise.  It’s a cheer-you-up kind of movie.

Also, this conversation happened while we watched Grumpy Old Men:

Me:  Did you know that Jack Lemon and Walter Mathau were in The Odd Couple?
Billy:  No.  Cool.
Me:  Yeah and remember that movie The Apartment?
Billy:  No.
Me:  Yes, you do, it was the one about the guy who worked at the office and he had an apartment and everybody used it to bang secretaries or something.  In black and white.
Billy:  Oh yeah.
Me:  That was Jack Lemon!
Billy:  Oh.
Me:  Ann-Margaret is in this?!  She was the girl from Bye Bye Birdie.
Billy:  Oh.
Me:  Remember?
Billy:  No.
Me:  It was in that episode of Mad Men?
Billy:  Nope.
Me:  Well it was.

Doesn’t it look like so much fun to watch movies with/be married to me?

In conclusion, Grumpy Old Men, you get an A+.

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Drunk Movie Reviews: Volume The Last

I used to really enjoy writing my Drunk Movie Reviews but of late I have grown a little older, maybe a little wiser, and I’ve come to realize that it’s not totally healthy or productive to get drunk all the time and watch crappy movies.  So now I watch crappy movies after half a glass of wine and fall asleep halfway through.  Perhaps strike “wiser” and replace with “lamer”.

Therefore, I am changing the title from Drunk Movie Reviews to Instant Gratification: Adventures In My Netflix Instant Queue.  Or maybe I’ll change it to Heart of Darkness: One Woman’s Journey Into The Depths Of Her Netflix Instant Queue.

Or maybe Once Upon A Streaming: Watching My Netflix Instant Queue, One 90’s Slapstick Comedy At A Time.

Flixin’ It Up: Netflix Style (This is nonsense)

Don’t Be A Menace To My Living Room While Drinking Your Wine In The Netflix (What?)

Netflixier Old Men

Netflix Instant 2: The Squeakuel

Ugh.  This has gone far enough.  I think I’ll just go with Instant Gratification because, as my friend Walt suggested, I might get some accidental traffic from people looking for porn.

 

Next time on Instant Gratification: Grumpy Old Men.  Get excited you guys!

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Drunk Movie Review: Volume 8*

The Proposal

You guys.  This movie.  Was.

Really funny.

And Sandra Bullock is so pretty!

Billy and I watched The Proposal on his computer at the Indianapolis fucking International (I doubt that very much) Airport on a day when we were supposed to be chillaxing at a beautiful house on a harbor in Olympia, Washington.  But no.  We were in the Indianapolis fucking International (yet you can’t get to Seattle from there — last I checked Seattle and Indianapolis are in the same country) Airport. It’s a long, boring story about how Milwaukee was flooded and tornadoed and we were rerouted to fucking Indianapolis but I won’t tell you about that.  The most important thing to know is that Billy and I had a hell of a time watching The Proposal.  I legitimately enjoyed myself.  Betty White!  And Sandra Bullock chanting that skeet skeet skeet skeet song!  That shit is funny.

It was a silver lining on a very dark cloud.

I’ll tell the rest of the story in a later post but just trust me on this one.  Go ahead and order a pizza tonight.  Eat it in your living room while you watch The Proposal.  It’s on Netflix Instant.  You won’t regret it.

*I was not drunk while watching this movie.  Unless you consider the condition I was in from not sleeping, eating horrible airport food, and facing death by excessive air conditioning “drunk”.  I will say that I was loopy.  I can say that much.

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