A Few Apologies

Every kid does crappy things.  And sometimes kids don’t tell other people all the crappy things they did because they don’t want to get in trouble.  But then adults will tell their friends the crappy things they did because once you’re a grown-up they turn into funny stories to tell at parties.  But then there are some crappy kid things that some of us did that we haven’t really told people about because it’s all too embarrassing.  Eh.  Why even have a blog if you’re worried about embarrassing yourself, I always say.  Without further ado, I’m really sorry for the following transgressions:

1. For my seventh (eighth?) birthday I wanted a new school backpack and I got two.  One from my dad and one from Lorianne Boscarino, who was kind of a brat and I didn’t even really like her because she was so bossy.  And my dad said I should just choose the backpack I liked better and we could return the other one.  So I chose the one Lorianne got me because it was more colorful and it was the 90’s so, obviously.  The one my dad got me was more practical but I’ve never been one for practicality.  So my dad returned the one he got me.  No big deal, right?  Eh.  I’ve carried the guilt of that backpack rejection around with me for… nineteen years.  Healthy!

2. In third grade I had to write an essay about Harriet Tubman.  I went to the school library and borrowed a book about her and then I straight up plagiarized the blurb on the back of the book.  I changed a few words here and there but really, that shit was illegal.  I should have been fined, at the very least!  And my teacher thought my essay was so good that he brought it up at the parent-teacher conference and my mom was really proud of me for being so good at writing essays JESUS I AM CRINGING RIGHT NOW JUST WRITING THIS.  And I told NO ONE!  Until today!  I mean, it’s okay, right?  I was like Tom Sawyer.  Or Bart Simpson.  I was using my ingenuity to avoid doing work.  Really just goes to show how far I am willing to go to avoid unnecessary exertion.  Still true today!  Oof.

3. In fifth grade I ate Julianne Cuminsky’s Ding Dong.  The snack food.  Don’t be gross.  I was joking around with her at our lunch table and I think I asked if I could have a bite of her Ding Dong and she said no and I think I was like “well I can just take it, you know” and then nobody believed that I would do it so then I just ate the whole thing in one bite.  And then I was summarily shunned by the whole table.  All the girls I sat with were like “wow, I really can’t believe you did that.”  Uuuuugh why am I writing this?!  It’s so painful.  Also, it might have been a Twinkie.

4. In seventh grade I tried out for a school play.  My middle school was doing this kids-in-the-Holocaust play called “I Never Saw Another Butterfly”.  I didn’t get cast.  But two Jewish girls I knew did get cast.  So my natural conclusion as to why I was not cast in the play was because I didn’t look Jewish.  Ugh.  So that’s what I told Lauren Feinberg’s mom when she asked me if I’d auditioned for the play.  “Yeah, I auditioned, but I didn’t get a part.  Probably because I don’t look Jewish!”  She laughed politely.

Anyway, sorry everyone!

What do you guys want to apologize for?  Please don’t leave me hanging here.  Put some embarrassing childhood stories in the comments, for the love of god, I need all the help I can get.



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17 responses to “A Few Apologies

  1. Guilty.

    Similar to your #2: When I was in 7th grade, we had to read a biography and write a report and give an oral presentation about whoever the biography was about. The class went to the school library to choose books from the biography section and I chose a book on Amelia Earhart because I liked the design of the cover. I had no real interest in Amelia Earhart, but the book jacket was pretty. Yeah, that sounds more shallow than I’d like to admit I was. We had weeks and weeks and weeks for the project, but I never read the book. Maybe 10 pages… Anyway, the night before the presentations/due date, I have a nervous breakdown because I was trying to read bits of every chapter, plagiarizing paragraphs here and there but generally feeling like an idiotic failure. My mother–my dear, dear mother–got so upset and frustrated at my breakdown that she grabbed the book out of my hand and wrote my report for me. She even wrote out the facts for the oral presentation on index cards. During class, I had no idea what I was talking about; I just read the cards and pointed at some photos I had black & white photocopied from the book and slapped on a posterboard, and then sat down. I think I got a B.
    My mother did almost an entire project for me. Looking back, I think,”Didn’t I have the internet then?” Kids these days have it so easy.

  2. This is such a great post. Guilt is awesome.

    When I was maybe 6 or so, my friend had a birthday party, and her cake had little plastic ballerinas on top of it.. one bigger one and like ten small ones. I was jealous. I was a dancer too and I wanted one of the ballerinas when the cake was done. I asked her if I could have one. She said no. Of course. Sooo I was like “hmm, well I think I’ll just take one and hide it in my family’s car till we go home.” AND THAT’S WHAT I DID. And I felt horrible about it after.

    On the looking-Jewish thing… I had another friend named Colleen in fourth grade, and her brother Sean is the same age as my brother Kevin and they were friends too, and they lived right near the school so sometimes my brothers and I would hang out there before school. Colleen had red hair and Sean was blond… my brothers and I all have brown hair. And this was a Catholic school, in case you couldn’t tell by the names. 😛 And Kevin did something stupid once that I was telling Sean and Colleen about, and Sean goes “the dumb Jew.” and I was like umm WHAT??? Because you know, racist and also, umm, Catholic school. And I was like “we’re not Jewish.. we’re Irish like your family.” And he said “oh, well you have dark hair so I thought you were Jewish.” So CLEARLY, Emily, it’s the red hair that cost you the part. 😉 All you need to be Jewish is brown hair. 😛

  3. JMT

    That was hilarious. I have a story that is more embarrassing than something I actually should apologize for, but it gives me that same cringe/twitch reaction, so I will share. In middle school, I worked on a Southern Baptist church camp shooting range that was overseen by my grandfather-figure old marine Master Gunnery Sergeant Mr. X. He was old but was also one of those extremely solid large men that kind of reminds you of a gorilla. Mr. X decided he was going to stand on a metal folding chair, in the sand, and tack some sort of a banner-like object up to the roof of the riflery shack. I have this weird thing about falling, and this other weird thing about old people, so the terror I experienced on seeing him climbing onto this chair in the sand compelled me to rush right over behind him and sort of grab him in the calves (as though he would be falling and I would like, turn him back up right by twisting on his legs). Needless to say, he was extremely startled and confused, and I was just completely mortified.

    Sorry for grabbing you in the calves unexpectedly, Mr. X.

  4. Katie

    So my best friend, Jenny Herbert, and I were friends from Kindergarten. We lived down the street from each other, started swimming together competitively….we were in the same class together till 3rd grade. Then we got split up. She immediately fell into the “cool Crowd” leaving me and some of her other dweeby friends behind. The person that I am..I hung around the dweebs so they would have friends but resented her for just up and leaving them/ me.
    One day in 4th grade..she forgot to bring swim suits to swim practice..so I let her borrow one of mine but I kind of used it as a bargaining chip telling her that ” if she wanted to use my suit..she had to have lunch with us the next day”…she totally borrowed the suit and then didn’t eat lunch with us. I told her mom on her and her mom made her eat with us.

    UGH. I’m a DWEEB

    • Katie

      I would like to note..this story has a happy ending. Were we stayed friends after my move away from CT in 7th grade. I introduced her to her husband ( who i went to HS with) and now they have a house, a dog, and 3 babies together.

      SO in hindsight, my friends and I are actually just the kind of people she wanted to hang out with FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE! mwahahahhaaha…no mommy forcing required!

  5. receptionist

    hahahahahahaaaa I love all of these stories so much! Why is this child grabbing me on the calves?! These all kill me.

  6. Marissa

    When I was in middle school, I basically begged people to buy snacks for me. I never ate any real food because that was really uncool, but loved eating ice cream and huge Rice Krispie Treats. So I’d basically tell my friends, “Hey Lauren/Ashley/Melissa, buy me a snack.” I was barely even friends with those girls and there was no bargaining, no promises of reimbursement at a later date. I had the money for them, I just didn’t want to spend it. I feel like such an ass for doing that.

    But at the same, they’re the ones who fell for it and spent their money on food for me. So who’s the REAL loser here?

  7. Will

    7th grade. Health class. I forget exactly what the project was, but me and chuck leahy (jesus I just fb’d this kid because I forgot exactly what his name was. forgot all about him until just now) were in a group together. I think we had to do some sort of community service thing. Anyway, our idea was to do a book drive! and we had all semester to collect some old children’s books and deliver them to the hospital or something. We had plenty of time to actually do this, but I noticed there was an entire box full of old children’s books in the basement. So I told chuck, chuck went around his neighborhood and took pictures of himself knocking on doors asking for book donations. Except he just never rang the bell and left after the picture was taken. I brought the books into school, and we made a totally half assed poster. I think we got an A.

    So, the part I feel guilty about is instead of dropping the books off anywhere, I decided to just take them home. But the box ripped on the way. So I left them in the random driveway where the box ripped. I told myself “these people are totally nice! They’ll donate them er something!” Who knows if they did. Anyway, sorry poor kids in the hospital with no books! And, sorry childhood memories that I left in someones driveway. ugh. all the memories. ugh.

    P.S. Chuck, when you google your name and end up reading this, we totally kicked ass on that project! I still remember an incredibly satisfying high five when we got our grade.

  8. The Internet

    Well anyway, the second grade class in this Catholic school in this New England town is held in an out building that used to be a residence and called “The Annex.” The annex had a weirdly (Hmm, I thought it was i before e except after c except in neighbor or weigh? But i digress…) arranged classroom. It was U-shaped, with the evil Nun at her desk in the middle, and all the boys on one side and all the girls on the other, out of sight of each other. Another weirdness was the bathroom. the boy’s room had only three stand up urinals. This is not a concern in most cases. This one day though, middle of class, I have to move my bowels like I been slipped some Exlax. I raise my hand and ask for permission to use the rest room. I’m out in the hallway observing my dilemma, Boy’s, no seat, or Girl’s with seats. That’s a guess by me at this point as I have never been in this particular Girl’s restroom previous. The urgency of the situation called for fast action and I took it – into the Girl’s room I go. Pleasantly there are three doors to choose from and I head to the middle one for no particular reason and evacuate my bowels like never before. Seriously, the mountain of poop was towering above the water line like Hawaii in the Pacific Ocean or something. Then I hit the flush lever and…nothing. Seems busted. Oh well, I tidy up otherwise and head back to class. I escape undetected.
    Fast forward to end of day. I’m putting my books away and just before leaving I hear (but cannot see because of the U) the evil Nun getting up a full head of steam with the girls. “You know full well I told you the middle stall was out of service and you were not to use it!! YOU ARE NOT LEAVING HERE UNTIL THE ONE OF YOU WHO DID THIS EVIL ACT CONFESSES!!! My eyes bugged out, I looked over my shoulder, the exit was unobstructed, unlike the plumbing in stall number 2. I slipped out the door and never discussed this with anyone. Until now. I feel like I owe the girl’s an apology.

  9. Mommy

    OK. This JUST happened half an hour ago. I’m in the incredibly GYNORMOUS taxi line at the Las Vegas airport. You have to walk a mile to get a cab that will take credit. So the guy in front of me is Marine Staff Sargeant Martinas. I know this because it’s written all over his umpteen duffle bags and gun locker that he’s pushing along in a cart and he’s dressed in cammy fatigues. Anyway he gets up to the taxi driver that takes credit and the cabbie says “is there a single?” And the Sargent and I both say “Yeah”. Well I immediately say “oh no, you go ahead” to the Sargeant who probably just got back from the hinterlands but the cabbie says “No I can’t take you for an hour drive. My shift ends in half an hour.”
    So the cabbie grabs my bags and dumps them in his trunk. And I sheepishly squeeze by the guy who is fighting for my safety and honor and get in the cab. For a hot second I said to myself ” I should not take this cab. I should make this cabbie take this guy with the gun locker who probably just stormed some compound somewhere. ” But I didn’t. I got in the cab and looked out the window and Staff Sargeant Martinas was looking at me with a very sad face. And we drove away.
    Then I yelled at the cabbie. “You couldn’t take him for an hour drive? What do you think he’s been doing for you lately? You think it took him more than an hour?” Anyway, I should not have taken that cab. Ugh…
    And I probably should not have yelled at the cabbie. Groan…
    So, you don’t have to be a kid to do stupid things. Oof…

  10. Every day in fourth grade I would sneak back into my classroom at lunch and steal a Tootsie Blow Pop from the treasure chest meant to celebrate children with exceptional spelling skills, and the first sad part of that was that not only did I sneak it into my pocket, but I’d go to the bathroom and sit in the stall and eat it. Second sad part: I was ALREADY the kid getting treats for exceptional spelling skills.

  11. Judy McManus

    Good for you Emily. I would not have the nerve to list any of my embarrasing moments!!!

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