Every kid does crappy things. And sometimes kids don’t tell other people all the crappy things they did because they don’t want to get in trouble. But then adults will tell their friends the crappy things they did because once you’re a grown-up they turn into funny stories to tell at parties. But then there are some crappy kid things that some of us did that we haven’t really told people about because it’s all too embarrassing. Eh. Why even have a blog if you’re worried about embarrassing yourself, I always say. Without further ado, I’m really sorry for the following transgressions:
1. For my seventh (eighth?) birthday I wanted a new school backpack and I got two. One from my dad and one from Lorianne Boscarino, who was kind of a brat and I didn’t even really like her because she was so bossy. And my dad said I should just choose the backpack I liked better and we could return the other one. So I chose the one Lorianne got me because it was more colorful and it was the 90’s so, obviously. The one my dad got me was more practical but I’ve never been one for practicality. So my dad returned the one he got me. No big deal, right? Eh. I’ve carried the guilt of that backpack rejection around with me for… nineteen years. Healthy!
2. In third grade I had to write an essay about Harriet Tubman. I went to the school library and borrowed a book about her and then I straight up plagiarized the blurb on the back of the book. I changed a few words here and there but really, that shit was illegal. I should have been fined, at the very least! And my teacher thought my essay was so good that he brought it up at the parent-teacher conference and my mom was really proud of me for being so good at writing essays JESUS I AM CRINGING RIGHT NOW JUST WRITING THIS. And I told NO ONE! Until today! I mean, it’s okay, right? I was like Tom Sawyer. Or Bart Simpson. I was using my ingenuity to avoid doing work. Really just goes to show how far I am willing to go to avoid unnecessary exertion. Still true today! Oof.
3. In fifth grade I ate Julianne Cuminsky’s Ding Dong. The snack food. Don’t be gross. I was joking around with her at our lunch table and I think I asked if I could have a bite of her Ding Dong and she said no and I think I was like “well I can just take it, you know” and then nobody believed that I would do it so then I just ate the whole thing in one bite. And then I was summarily shunned by the whole table. All the girls I sat with were like “wow, I really can’t believe you did that.” Uuuuugh why am I writing this?! It’s so painful. Also, it might have been a Twinkie.
4. In seventh grade I tried out for a school play. My middle school was doing this kids-in-the-Holocaust play called “I Never Saw Another Butterfly”. I didn’t get cast. But two Jewish girls I knew did get cast. So my natural conclusion as to why I was not cast in the play was because I didn’t look Jewish. Ugh. So that’s what I told Lauren Feinberg’s mom when she asked me if I’d auditioned for the play. “Yeah, I auditioned, but I didn’t get a part. Probably because I don’t look Jewish!” She laughed politely.
Anyway, sorry everyone!
What do you guys want to apologize for? Please don’t leave me hanging here. Put some embarrassing childhood stories in the comments, for the love of god, I need all the help I can get.