Parking Wars: Commando

Um so.  Last Friday I went to the gym during lunch.  I jogged and then biked for a little bit, etc etc.  I took a shower and as I was about to get dressed I realized I forgot to bring a change of underwear.  Ew.  My underwear was sweaty.  WHAT.  I’M A HUMAN BEING.  So I had to make a decision.  Put on sweaty underwear (EW!) or go without.  Remember last Friday though?  It was really warm, like in the low sixties.  So I was wearing a skirt with no tights underneath.  If I didn’t wear underwear things could get very tricky.  I decide I’d rather flash all of Commonwealth Avenue than put on sweaty underwear so I went for it.  Plus, there’s a CVS across the street from my gym and did you know CVS sells underwear?  They do!  This is handy to know if you need undies fast.  What I did not know was that it was really windy out.  So I had to kind of hold my skirt down on the journey across the street.  This is like a major street, you guys.  Two lanes of traffic, two lanes of street trolleys, then two more lanes of traffic.  And everything has its own traffic lights that you have to wait for.  Anyway, I made it to CVS and grabbed a pack of Hanes and was looking at the nail polish top coat selection when I get a phone call from my boss.  Oh no!  Did I accidentally text my boss that I wasn’t wearing underwear instead of Billy?  WHAT.  I’M A MARRIED WOMAN, THAT’S ALLOWED.  IF ANYONE SHOULD BE SEXTING, IT’S MARRIED PEOPLE.  I answer the phone.  My boss says “How are you?”  And I’m like “What?!  I’m fine, what’s the matter?!”  (He doesn’t ever call me so I was worried.)  He’s like “Everything’s fine, just when you get back can  you move your car?  You’re blocking somebody in and I guess she needs to pick up her kids?”  So I’m like oh shit yeah okay, let me just pay and I’ll be there in five minutes.  I pay for the undies and nail polish top coat and start power walking to the parking lot where my car is.  I was blocking somebody in because there’s this giant pile of snow in my work parking lot that sort of confusingly makes people get blocked in even if you park in one of the delineated parking spaces.  I didn’t realize this would happen because I’M NOT A PHYSICS MAJOR and also because I didn’t expect somebody to be leaving the office at 1pm.  But whatever, I head over to the parking lot.  Mind you, I’m still not wearing underwear.  Because I didn’t have time to slip some on because I was stressed about this lady having to pick up her kids.  Working mother!  I don’t want to inconvenience a working mother, things are already hard enough.

I get to the parking lot.  I see a woman on her cell phone looking a little frantic.  I wave and smile apologetically and say “I’m so sorry, I’m moving the car right now.”  And she goes




Okay.  “I’m so sorry, really.”


Um.  “It didn’t occur to me, I’m really sorry.”


Okay.  That’s enough.  “There’s nothing I can do about it now.  Do you want me to move my car or do you want to yell at me?”

Oh snap.

She turns away from me dramatically.

I give her a smile, “Okay, thanks!”

I move the car and the woman leaves and I wave at her.  And then I open the package of underwear and throw a pair on in the car.

The thing is, I get it.  I wouldn’t have even minded if I had been wearing underwear.  When you’re not wearing underwear everything is much more urgent and dramatic.

And a question for the universe: Why are strangers mean to each other?  Why the yelling?  What does it help?  Let’s all try to be nice to each other.  We’re all fighting our own battles.


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