You know how for some reason everybody all of a sudden thinks it’s really important and unique that they like to eat bacon? Bacon tastes good. We know this. But somehow it’s become the food equivalent of a cult hit. To like bacon. Why did this happen? Was there some movement in recent years away from liking bacon? Did people say that they did not like it? I was not aware of this. I thought everybody always liked it. Apparently I was wrong. This idea got me and my friend Ashley thinking of other things that people like to talk about. Things that people think make them unique but are so prolific in popular culture that it is the opposite of unique. We have created a list. A list of things that DON’T MAKE YOU UNIQUE so please stop talking about them and/or writing about them on the internet*.
1. Liking bacon.
2. Liking duct tape.
(From the final season of Lost)
Miles: I don’t believe in a lot of things, but I do believe in duct tape.
(Ashley’s commentary: “-Miles and every dude in 7th grade that made duct tape wallets.”)
Get over it with the duct tape. It is sticky and silver and quite useful. Everyone agrees. Moving right along…
3. Being afraid of clowns.
I know. You saw the movie It when you were like nine years old and it really terrified you. But why do you think anything about clowns? At all? As an adult? Like, do you go to the circus a lot? That’s the only place you’d see a clown. How do you go to the circus so much? It only comes to town like once a year, if that. Do you have a collection of clown figurines? Why do you have a collection of something you’re afraid of? Do you think it’s unique or ironic because clowns are supposed to be funny? Nobody thinks clowns are funny except four-year-olds. And they’re just as often scared of them as they think they’re funny. My point is this: you’re saying nothing worthwhile here. Shut it.
4. Hating hipsters.
ENOUGH. Shut up. The thing about this definition of hipsters is that they are not some small, influential group of rich people who dictate your life. The “hipster” herein defined, is quite a large group of educated young people who live in cities. Do you hate all educated young people who live in cities? You are probably an educated young person who lives in a city. It doesn’t make sense to dislike/make fun of such a large group of citizens. I’m sorry you feel left out. Maybe take a look inside yourself. Maybe deal with some of your issues with acceptance and self-esteem. Maybe instead of hating hipsters you can try loving yourself a little more – accepting who you are at your very core. Because I think you’re probably pretty great.
Less hate, you guys. Less hate.
What would you add to this list?
*I realize I’m writing about these things on the internet and therefore am part of the problem. Sorry! Doing it anyway! I’m not some pillar of justice, I’m just a girl, standing in front of The Internet, asking it to love her.