Why I’ll Never Make It In Corporate America

This is a list of things I (and a co-worker) wrote down during the WORST MEETING OF MY LIFE.  I’m not going to explain it beyond that because I think not knowing is part of what makes it so universal.  Without further ado, here’s some stuff I wrote during a terrible meeting:

Power User Kickoff Meeting
Let’s Get it Started – Black Eyed Peas
Simply the Best – Tina Turner
Guy in black turtleneck and blazer yelling and pointing.  With a wireless microphone.
We’re going to time travel.
There is no lunch.  There is coffee and fruit and brownies.  This is not lunch.
Not real things.  Just talking about what we will do in the future.  For.  Two.  Hours.
Team building.  God help me.
Remember The Face?  That girl who worked in the dining hall in college and had that crazy face?  She works here now.
Lots of pictures from Getty Images of people in suits doing things.  Putting fists in air, yelling into bullhorns, etc.
Starting to feel distinctly like I’m at Jesus camp.
I feel like since I sent an email to everybody they are going to blame me for how terrible this meeting is.
Pretend phone call.
PowerPoint slide with pictures of time machines because we are going INTO THE FUTURE!
This meeting is distinctly lacking any sense of irony.
They’re definitely using a picture of Muir Woods.  Repeatedly.  Not sure why.  Some Robert Frost reference?
Just said synergy.  He just said synergy.
Why are there marshmallows here?
Oh and we got official logo polo shirts.
Why are we spending money on official logo polo shirts?  Let’s pay receptionists better.  Let’s give more financial aid.  More scholarships.  Seriously.
I’ve Got the Power – C & C Music Factory?
Black-Eyed Peas again.  While we do team building exercise involving marshmallows, spaghetti, string, and tape.
(“It’s all about the marshmallows” – can’t put something that SEEMS light and fluffy at the top at the end without a good foundation.)
(It really is all about the marshmallow.)
(PROUD AND EXCITED TO BE A POWER USER)
(“fun stuff” “avatars”)
We basically have to make this sound really fun.
(I hope there’s role playing)
Maybe with foam swords?!?!
Eventually I start to feel really complacent.  Like yeah ok, I’ll do that.
I realize that I’m behaving really immaturely by writing snarky things in my notebook during this  meeting but God help me if I ever stop being this immature because then the robots won.

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1 Comment

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One response to “Why I’ll Never Make It In Corporate America

  1. Jessica Sexton

    A free shirt that allowed me to travel in time while eating marsh mellows and listening to C&C music factory would definitely make me excited for work, are you serious… sign me up!

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