I’ve been telling this story a lot lately but just in case you missed it, I submit for the approval of the midnight society the following tale of bitchiness involving two girls and two cakes.
Last week I went to my friend Marie’s new apartment to celebrate her birthday (hi Marie!). Billy and I met her roommate, Lindsay, who was super nice and funny. We hung out for awhile, drank some wine, shot the shit, etc. I learned during the course of the night that Lindsay had dated a mutual friend of ours in college. Small world. It’s a small world after all, you guys. A few hours in, Marie takes out a box of Krazy Kupcakes (registered trademark [lies]). They were from a little bakery nearby. You know, that trendy thing they’re doing now with the wacky flavors. Like Guinness cupcakes and apple cider doughnut cupcakes, chocolate covered bacon cupcakes, etc. And one of the cupcakes was a vegan cookie-dough cupcake. We make a bunch of jokes about the vegan cupcake. Jokes all around. And finally I inquire, to my good friend Marie, why on god’s green earth she decided to buy a vegan cupcake at the Krazy Kupcakes store. Like what would possess her, I believe is what I asked. What would possess you to buy a vegan cupcake??!! And Marie gets a little quiet and says “Well, Lindsay got them for me, actually.”
I proceed to apologize profusely for being so accusatory about the vegan cupcakes to this girl I just met. And Lindsay explains that the guy selling the cupcakes was way into the vegan one and talked about it a lot and she was like “OK FINE I’LL GET A VEGAN ONE, SHEESH.” Which is totally reasonable and she took my harsh criticism in stride. Then she went on.
“The funny thing is…” she says, “we’ve met before, you and I.”
“Oh?” I reply.
“Mmhmm. A few years ago.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I’m such a… I am really bad at… remembering… things…”
“It’s funny you said that about the cupcake is all.”
“Oh?” (Getting nervous over here!)
“Because when we met before. Well. I was dating your friend at the time. And I went to a party in Allston, the cops came, it was in that crazy apartment where Peter and Julie lived.”
“Yes, that was my apartment.”
“Right. Well, I had made a cake. It was somebody’s birthday. I had made a cake for him. And there had been a problem with the oven. It ended up looking really weird. You know, the cake looked weird but it was going to taste fine, just a weird oven situation. So we get to your apartment with the cake and my boyfriend is carrying the cake. And we rang your doorbell. And you answered and said ‘Wow, that is the ugliest cake I’ve ever seen.'”
“And my boyfriend goes ‘Lindsay made it!'”
“It’s just funny.”
In conclusion, we all learned something that night. We learned that you shouldn’t make a cake for me or even make a cake near me or anything. Just keep cakes away from me. Because I’m pretty much definitely going to criticize it. And you. Harshly.
My cake standards are extremely high! And my niceness standards are extremely low.