I got a haircut yesterday. That is not the point of this post. The point of this post is to avoid being useless. The alternative to writing right now is going to bed and feeling sorry for myself.
I had a really fun weekend of being reminded of my shortcomings. It wasn’t on purpose, but that doesn’t really matter, does it?
I just watched a lot of episodes of Mad Men. Good show. Unfortunately the last episode I watched ended with a really graphic depiction of a character vomiting. I don’t like stuff like that. I guess I’m delicate in that way. It stays with me and I get stomachachey.
None of this is about the actual thing. The actual thing is that I am not what I want to be.
I have a habit of surrounding myself with very smart, very talented people. It’s irritating. But I get bored otherwise. And it motivates me to do better. In high school this was great; it got me to study harder, got me into AP classes, pretty much because I was driven to keep up with my friends. In college I was driven by a desire to be impressive. To teachers, classmates, younger students, audiences. Now… I guess I gave up on being impressive, which is probably good. But I also sort of gave up on trying. Maybe it’s just a recent thing. I explain it away by saying that I am satisfied with myself, but in fact it’s just pure laziness. I’ve stopped auditioning. I had one audition recently that I completely forgot. I didn’t prepare for it, didn’t think about it, even though it was written down in multiple calendars. And I forgot it.
I can’t even write anything lately, that’s how disappointing I find my own life.
We got Oscar a collar yesterday. It’s royal blue with a bell. It makes me happy. And I don’t think he minds it very much.
I’m starting a new play soon. Maybe that will get my gears going again. I need something to happen or I don’t know what I’ll do.