Passing the Torch

Who knew grammar would be such a yeasty topic?

From: New Receptionist
Sent: Thursday, February 04, 2010 9:24 AM
To: Me
Subject: I’ve been thinking

So I’ve been thinking about the Oxford comma.  And I’m torn.  For a lot of reasons.  But when it comes right down to it I have to say I don’t like the idea of using it, personally.  But I won’t judge anyone who disagrees.

Can we talk about grammar sometimes?  Is that cool?

From: Me
Sent: Thursday, February 04, 2010 9:30 AM
To: New Receptionist
Subject: RE: I’ve been thinking

Yes.  I really enjoy grammar.  That being said, I flagrantly misuse things sometimes because I’m a playwright.  Most of my writing is things people say and people don’t talk with proper grammar.  So sometimes when I try to transition to essays or something I have a hard time getting to a good grammar place, if that makes sense.

Regarding the Oxford comma: I’m a fan.  I just think that when it’s not there it feels like the two last things in the list are linked together when I feel they should be separated like the rest of the things on the list.  For example, last night I did the following things: ran two miles, sneezed a lot, and watched two episodes of Lost.  If I had said I ran two miles, sneezed a lot and watched two episodes of Lost I think it would seem like I was sneezing WHILE watching Lost.  Which I was.  But not only while watching Lost.  You see what I mean?

Also we should talk to Shaw about grammar sometime.  She was a linguistics major in college so she is really, really into grammar.  She told me that if a person died by hanging themselves you don’t say “he hung himself.”  You say “he hanged himself.”  Weird, right?

This email is so long.

From: New Receptionist
Sent: Thursday, February 04, 2010 9:53 AM
To: Me
Subject: RE: I’ve been thinking

Hey.

I really enjoyed your e-mail.  And regarding the sentence: “Last night I did the following things: ran two miles, sneezed a lot, and watched two episodes of Lost,” I completely agree with you.

On the other hand, the Oxford comma can make things confusing if you’re talking about people or living things.  For example, “My mother, a monkey, and my aunt took me to the mall yesterday.”  Assuming that my mother, a monkey and my aunt are three different people, the Oxford comma causes a problem here because it implies that my mother IS a monkey, rather than the fact that she is just going to the mall with one.  Does this make sense?  If you look at it this way, it’s more understandable why journalists don’t use the Oxford comma at all ever.  If someone named Jim went to the movies with a serial killer and a giraffe, the Oxford comma is BOUND to imply that Jim is either a serial killer or a giraffe.  But he is neither of those things.  Or maybe he is.  We don’t really know Jim very well, I guess.  But I made him up, so he’s not a serial killer.  He might be a giraffe, though.  I haven’t decided yet.

Anyway, I completely understand what you’re saying about improper grammar in writing.  You can’t write dialogue and be grammatically correct at the same time.  Although I do think it’s important to understand the English language as it should be in order to write improper grammar correctly.  You know?  I have a feeling you know exactly what I mean, because you’re really well spoken and you write well.  I also think grammar is really important in defining a character through his/her dialogue, don’t you think?  Like “Sarah and me is going out for a nice steak dinner,” can really say a lot about a person.

When I write I tend to use fragments and run-on sentences.  A lot.  I really like the way fragments and run-on sentences change the pace of things.

OMG I’m such a nerd right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And this e-mail is probably even longer than yours.  And I totally knew that about “hung” and “hanged.”  It’s so crazy.  It seems so wrong, but so right.

So there that is.

From: Me
Sent: Thursday, February 04, 2010 10:13 AM
To: New Receptionist
Subject: RE: I’ve been thinking

I never thought about that!  This might revolutionize my usage of the Oxford comma.  I don’t want people to think my aunt is a monkey unless she is one.

Ranty Playwright

Interesting article in the Times about playwrights.  It is sort of amazing that I am managing to get two degrees that will make me zero dollars.  Oh well.  I’ll figure something out.  Anyway, the article makes an interesting point about how difficult it is to balance the philosophy of a theatre company with the need to bring in revenue.  It’s kind of the ultimate problem with theatre in this country.  Everybody wants to see revivals of crappy musicals with famous people in them and nobody wants to see interesting new work.  That’s why I love Boston Playwrights Theatre.  Bravely going where nobody else wants to go.  Producing only new work.  They are kind of my heroes.

Phoebe & Me

Phoebe was my dog growing up.  We got her when I was twelve and my brother was ten.  She was a Christmas present from my mom.  She started as a tiny, black puff ball – a miniature poodle/Pomeranian mix, but she was never as prissy as that sounds.  She turned from black to gray when she grew up.  When she died she was thirteen years old, diabetic, incontinent, etc.  It’s still hard to wrap my mind around because she was so small, 25 pounds or so.  So she was always a puppy to me and never seemed old, just tired.  This past Monday my mom brought her to the vet to put her down.

There’s not much to say about her that’s particularly unique.  She was a good dog.  They’re all good dogs, of course.  She used to run out to the front yard when I came home and get so excited that she’d run in wild circles.  Once I slammed my finger in the kitchen door so hard that I fell to the ground crying and Phoebe was the only one home with me.  She came and sat with me and licked the tears off my face.  She knew how to help.  Dogs are good with emotions.  She loved swimming but sucked at it, never went in too deep.  We used to hike with her and take her off the leash but she would never go far.  She’d run like twenty feet ahead of us and then stop and turn around, waiting for us to catch up.  She liked to sit in the front window and watch who went by the house.  We howled together sometimes.  The more I howled the more she would howl and we’d get each other going pretty good.  When I went off to college she was really more my mom’s, but I always thought of her as mine.  Her name is my computer password at work and every time I type her name I feel terrible.  I know that soon it’ll stop being sad and start being a nice memory when I type her name, but right now it sucks ass.

Texty McGee

Texts sent this afternoon:

Billy: okay. central sq meeting take 2. if this guy doesn’t show i will murder him. also i just saw a cab rear end a lady! central during the day is the worst!

Me: haha. be brave honey! come home to me safe!

Billy: i will be brave! i have to do this for my family!

Me: haha yeah. build us a raft and learn some boat words in korean or something. LOST.

Billy: yeah. i will not hit execute though. and maybe i will steal a baby and maybe i was the fugitive all along! lost.

(Upon reflection, I think I have to reassess the frequency with which I text “haha.”  It’s a bit embarrassing.)

Take a Moment and Think About How Your Sickness Affects Me

Billy’s sick today.  He’s had a cold since Monday.  And a couple weeks before that he had what we think was the flu.  On my birthday.  Which I’m not allowed to be pissed about because he can’t control it.  But I was pissed about it anyway.  Not that I didn’t have a good time, I totally did.  But I might have drunkenly yelled at him for not even getting me a card.  (He got me a new computer as a birthday gift but it was being shipped from China.  How dare he!?)  In conclusion, I’m a spoiled brat, but I think there is something to this.

Billy is sickly.  He got mono so bad his senior year of college that he almost died and had to take classes in summer school to graduate.  Dude almost died!  From mono.  People are not supposed to die from mono this day and age.  I feel like this post is leaning towards some kind of angry heath care rant but obviously I don’t know enough about health care to blog about it so rest easy, Internet.  This post is actually not about health care.  It’s about me.  Like they all are.

Here’s what’s happening because of Billy’s current cold:  He’s sitting in bed, snuggling with the cat, working remotely and I’m nursing a hangover because last night I bought a bottle of wine for us to share over dinner.  But Billy just drank tea.  So, naturally, I drank the whole bottle of wine myself.  And texted people.  And watched Lost.  (Have we talked about Lost Season 1, you guys?  IT’S SO GOOD.  [Un-topical Emily is at it again.])  So Billy’s cold doesn’t only affect him.  It also affects the people around him, namely me!  How dare he be stuffed up.  HOW DARE HE?!

BUT.  Let’s see if I can glass-half-full this shit.  A nice thing about Billy being sick is that I have been cooking a lot more.  It’s funny, actually, I feel like a single mom this week.  I’ve been going to Whole Foods after work and getting food for dinner, coming home, changing out of my uncomfortable shoes and putting on slippers over my panty hose, tying on an apron and cooking dinner for my sick kid.  And then cleaning up.  Except, obviously, for last night.  When I drank a bottle of wine for dinner and broke in my new bread machine and left a terrible mess in the kitchen.  But that’s not the point.  The point is, on Monday night I made a sweet ass dinner.  Let me tell you about it.  I cooked two chicken breasts in a grill pan with just some olive oil and this Beaver Rub spice thing we got from Dr. Gonzo in Worcester.  And I made this weird box of bulger pilaf or something (I don’t know, it’s wheat and pasta and a spice sac that’s probably mostly salt, but it was tasty!) and some swiss chard.  The swiss chard was tricky.  I threw it in a pan with olive oil and salt and pepper but it was missing something.  So I added this nice pear-infused vinegar we got from Billy’s dad for Christmas and it really livened it up.  And I grilled the chicken to near-perfection and everything ended up tasting really good!  I used to be really afraid of cooking but now that I was thrown into the deep end, I learned how to swim!  Metaphor booyah!

Anyway, the point is this: Billy needs to see a doctor and I need to not drink a whole bottle of wine by myself, but at least I’m getting better at cooking.

Year End Thanksgiving

Like I said, it’s hard for me to stay topical.  But listen you guys.  I just got Pandora and it’s awesome.  For a few years I’ve had a computer that didn’t run if I played music on it.  I couldn’t even use Word if there was music playing.  Word.  Come on!  That was problematic for me.   But then Billy got me a new computer for my birthday and now I am able to play music which is so freaking awesome.   I just put in my favorite bands and artists and that was that!   Awesome music all the time.  I just started a new station based on the music of David Byrne!  Life is way better now.

Also, can we discuss for a minute how not being a receptionist anymore has made my life a hell of a lot better?  To commemorate the ending of 2009 I just want to attempt to put into words how thankful I am for my life right now.   Sometimes it’s something as simple as having a job where I do something valuable (I’m no Mother Theresa, I input data and process student loans all day, but still…) that can change a person’s whole outlook.   I’m very thankful for that.  I think that’s something you’re supposed to do on Thanksgiving, give thanks.  But I was really busy around Thanksgiving so LAY OFF ME.

Also, I learned something this year.  I am a much happier person when I’m busy.  This year was really hard and really rewarding.  God this post is boring.  Maybe I should tell a disgusting story or something…  Let’s see what I can come up with…

Nothing particularly disgusting has happened lately.  So here’s a video of a weird jungle cat that Billy wants to own and I find frightening.

Marly & Me

I have a problem with topicality. Few of my posts are culturally relevant. For example, Marly & Me came out a long time ago. Regardless, I just watched Marly & Me on HBO and now I’m writing a blog about it so deal with it. I just watched it for the second time, actually. Also, I read the book. So, yes, I read Marly & Me and then I saw the movie. Twice. And I cried three times because of this story. Just a regular story about a guy with a wife and a dog and some kids. He has jobs and then he moves and the dog dies and that’s the whole story. Spoiler alert. The alert was late, I realize, but if you didn’t know that the dog dies then you are not observant. Also, all stories about dogs end with the dog dying because that’s how we learn lessons. If the story ended and the guy was like “and Marly and me and my family lived happily ever after and nobody ever died” everybody would be pissed. Because that’s not how life is! Anyway. I don’t know why I love Marly & Me so much but I do. I DOOOO. I’m embarrassed. But I do, I love Marly & Me. I would recommend it to anyone. Anyone with a heart. It’s just a lovely story. But it does have a funny effect on me. It makes me feel like my hopes and dreams are a little… shall we say… done. Lots of people want to get married and get a dog and have babies and have successful writing careers. It makes me feel so unoriginal.

(Sidenote: Mary Poppins is on right now and it’s making me very happy and making up for all the crying that was happening a few minutes ago. She just asked the little girl if she had a handkercheif under her pillow. Because that’s something that children needed under their pillows? It’s so darling!)

So as a result of feeling unoriginal I decided to start an embroidery that I’ve been meaning to do for some time now. It says Merry Christmas at the top and below that is a giant boner splooging all over the bottom of the embroidery. It’s a Christmas present for my friend Mike who gave Billy and me a Christmas ornament at our tree trimming party two years ago made entirely of his body hair. Right back at you, Mike. Who’s unoriginal now, BITCHES??!!

(I’m sorry I said bitches, Liz, it was for comedic effect.)

G’NIGHT!

Drunk Movie Review: Volume 7

Up

Me:  I’m really excited to see this movie!  I love Pixar!

Billy:  Me too!  Pass the very unhealthy crab dip, please!

(Five minutes later)

Me: (sobbing) Oh god.

Billy: (sobbing) This movie is not for kids.

Me: (sobbing) Why are they doing this?  Why is this happening?

Billy: THIS MOVIE IS NOT FOR KIDS.

(Ninety minutes later)

Me: That was cute but I don’t know how I feel about it.  I feel a little used.

Billy: Girlfriend.  I’m so sorry for eating that crab dip.  I’m going to get healthy.  I don’t want to die and leave you alone to put a thousand balloons on your house and fly to Africa or something.  Also though, if you die first I will murder you.

Me: My eyes are so puffy and my nose hurts from snotting so much.  I’m not sure this movie was heartwarming enough to justify the puffiness of my eyes.

Three stars.

What are your thoughts on Up?  Heartwarming story of a lonely man finding a new zest for living or manipulative piece of emotional abuse a la Crash?

I’m Gonna Try To Write More, Starting Now

You guys.  I have been very ill for three days.  Full disclosure: I do not usually get sick like this.  I come down with a little something now and then but not like this.  I take a day off work sometimes because I have a little cold, but seriously not like this.  This was ridiculous.  I called in sick to work on Friday and layed in bed for most of the day.  I looked so horrible first thing in the morning that Billy did not hesitate to work from home that day so he could take care of me (where did I find him anyway?).  Dudes, I was in a bad way.  Bad chest cough, sore throat, general bodily discomfort.  I couldn’t brush my teeth or shower.  Oh god and the best part–I have like six giant canker sores on my mouth.  What?  Seriously?  Yes, seriously.  And my lips are chapped.  And brushing my teeth hurts so bad.  But I am recuperating and getting healthy, which is really important because I have a big week coming up.  Next Thursday is my birthday.  The big two five.  I kind of don’t care this year, but I did have some big plans to get drunk with co-workers at a dive bar in Allston and I’d hate to have to cancel.  Also, having a birthday in your twenties is pointless anyway, but having a birthday in your twenties that is close to Christmas ends up just being an inconvenience for all of your dear friends.  Sorry guys.  Deal with it.  Buy me drinks.

Anyway.  I haven’t been outside since Thursday so I’ve been watching a lot of things.  First, Community is awesome.  Watch it now.  Also, Parks and Recreation.  Amazing.  Also.  This American Life, the series that’s on Showtime.  It’s on Netflix–the kind that you can watch right away, which is awesome if you like instant gratification as much as I do, which is a lot.  And finally.  Billy and I just got Julie and Julia on pay per view and let me just say HOW DID JULIE POWELL GET SO MANY PEOPLE TO READ HER BLOG???  Nobody reads this dumb blog.  Except you guys.  Who are reading this right now.  And might actually be offended that I’m saying you’re nobody.  You’re not nobody!  I like you!  But here’s the thing, I probably know you.  You probably read this blog because we’re already friends.  Where are the strangers?!  I want strangers!

This day in age everybody and their mom has a blog and how do I make myself stand out?  I don’t know.  I’m no thirteen year old fashion blogger, I don’t have a gimmick like the Julia Child book, and I’m not famous already.  So.  Why would you read this blog?  Funnily enough, I’m getting a lot of people to the site because they are googling pictures of Sigourney Weaver.  Didn’t know that would happen but c’est la vie.

I am losing track of myself.

I am insecure because I’m neither a famous blogger nor playwright nor actor nor anything.  I’m just a lowly (and grammatically incorrect) Finance and Financial Aid Advisor who has a chest cold and is about to turn twenty-five.

But, it could definitely be worse.

A Bunch of Overdue Pictures

Hey y’all.  So a lot of things happened while I was being really busy and unavailable and unbloggy.  Thought I’d catch you up.  Here’s some pictures Billy made me take of these pickles he made that were really pretty but confirmed our suspicion that cooking pickles makes them yucky:Refrigerator pickles are way better.  Also, drinking whilst pickling sometimes makes you tell your girlfriend to take a picture of your head next to a glass of wine and six jars of pickles.  Cautionary tale.

Another thing Billy made me take a picture of was a couple Cat’s Meows we made.  Again.  Drinking + digital camera = this:You remember this drink, right?  I talked about it in an earlier post and I’m too lazy to link to it.  It’s ouzo and cranberry juice and it taste like a sixteen-year-old girl’s bedroom decor if that had a taste.  Billy made me take a picture of Oscar with the Cat’s Meows too.  ‘Cause he’s a cat.  Get it?  GET IT?!A perk of being done with some of the really annoying stuff I was doing that was taking up so much time is that I now have a few spare hours a week to dedicate to crafts.  See below:A few pieces of fancy/awesome paper from Paper Source, a little black paint, and a few $1 picture frames from Ikea that I had lying around.  Put ‘em all together and you get some cool wall art!  Fun, right?  I think I’m going to use this technique for table numbers for the wedding, too.  CRAFTS!

 

Also, a few weeks ago we went on a romantic getaway to western Mass and had a romantic French dinner that cost us a romantic shit ton of money but we got this pretty adorable picture out of the deal:Worth it?  I don’t know.  But we had fun.

In other news, Halloween happened.  I didn’t have time to put together a real costume of any kind so I bought a wig and a petticoat and went as “Up For Interpretation: A Study In Purple.”  Here’s a picture of me looking a fool: